You Can’t Go Home

20160109_163610.jpgA few months ago I heard from a friend ” Hey its me …My brother has been divorced about a year and a half you should give him a call”.  As I write this I realized you can’t go back and He was just being nice.  Asking to be put in the friendship category and hang out is bullshit and unreasonable.  Better to write it out as a cautionary tale and accept you can’t go home.   Real estate of the heart can be a millimeter or acre but its there.  I was doing so good on my own playing poker, working and traveling.  Situations like these caused a skid mark in my life…then a flood (emotions) then back out to the desert where I  belong.  It doesn’t matter that Ive been with someone the past 12 years, there was life I lived that proceeded my my life now and it was filled with freedoms, adventures and significantly less obligations.  I tied this into thinking what was and what could have been.  I choose not to see this as a danger zone but a beautiful walk down memory lane.  For This I am grateful. Ziajian



I’m halfway thru my nursing assignment and I am grateful for this never ending learning curve, lots to take in (mentally) and I mean not just working in a busy hospital on a busy surgery floor.  I have been given a subtle lesson in both livestock, agriculture and people  (my most favorite subject)  Saanen and Alpine are breeds of goat and a hectare is 4.27 acres.  I learned if your kid (lol) has milk allergies goat milk products may be an alternative. There are seasons for pistachios and oranges and everyone here knows the calendar of fruits nuts berries and cherries just  like I know the alphabet. People here in Porterville live two lives.  They drive home to their hectares to farm, feed and tend to the flocks, herds and stables. At the end of my shift I am completely exhausted but these hearty souls have spouses they speak fondly of and together they are farmers of all types of industries.  A wonderful nurse shared a story that translates nicely. One of her goats who had  essentially been isolated by the others because of her beauty,  is now keeping company of one of the new billy goats brought to procreate. She was often seen alone and isolated and now she is on a pedestal. Not sure of the metaphor or lesson behind this but it just sounds nice doesn’t it?

Ramp It Up

Back in the truck and it got a little crowded.  Why? Because we got what every girl dreams of,  a mini fridge.  The driver and  I couldn’t wait the 24 hours  per owner manual suggestions.  We loaded it primarily with fluids and in the nick of time Arizona is hot Flagstaff Phoenix and Tucson . Now I can offer my parched guests tea or water.  In few days we are going to Baltimore Maryland and I recalled a move we did last year, from there to California.  A row of narrow and deep houses all attached to each other.  The neighborhood I was in was conducive to being at least cordial if not neighborly.  We had 3 young guys working to help us pack and load. We chatted during lunch and all three said “There is no work”  now I look back and feel for those guys especially now.   I will never understand what it is to be their shoes.  2 young fellows ” Weezy and Keys” both

with kids and an older gentleman.   The driver paid them well and everyone was happy. The shipper asked if she could give us her food in fridge and it pleased  me to observe the 2 younger guys in agreement, to give most of it to the older helper, as if they knew who needed it more. Zia jian

Falling in Love with the South

 I asked the shipper “May I take pictures of your backyard.” This part of the country is growing on me.  In the best way you are forced to recognize Mother Earth and all her glory.  The gal whom we met today shared about the does and fawns that pepper her backyard,  very early in the am, to dine on the grass and the bucks who are solitary creatures that do not accompany the deer.  Then you have hop back in the truck and the repose I feel can not be replicated with a beer or winning a big hand at Poker. It’s simply confirms that I am visitor and this world is not mine but mine to enjoy if I choose. And I feel lucky and blessed.   Kennesaw Georgia. 


Tail in the Soup

The title sounds so much better than what really happened. One can wear scrubs pants backwards so you have two pockets in the front. I went to the bathroom and the drawstring went right into the toilet and got wet. I said to myself out loud “My tail in the soup” and stuck with me. It’s good to have soup and and its not so good when something you wear or need ends up in it. This is exactly how I feel. Things are great but something will pop up to detract from the goodness. I went to celebrate Chinese New Year on the actual day and nothing was happening until the weekend and I didn’t go because I was exhausted. I have to go to trucking school this year and I know I should. I just been dragging my feet. And all I am thinking about is wanting my life to be like the movies. EAT PRAY LOVE to be exact. And this darn blog I feel as though I keep writing the same stuff and I am. I’m slowly building resentment at this hovering period I’m in. So I’m stuck in traffic this afternoon and I call the driver to tell him “March 7th” when I can hop back into the truck. And I hear it in his voice that I sound like I want to work as a nurse and maybe return in the Summer. He says “It doesn’t really matter” OMG what does that mean? . Then still while driving on the freeway I notice a couple on a bridge holding hands walking a dog and it brings a smile to my face. I get closer and notice it is a homeless couple and they are both thin and tired and the dog is skinny. See tail in the soup.


A Wish for My Friends.

20150207_173428My birthday passed recently and for the record it was one of the most enjoyable special birthdays I’ve had in quite some time. To Fortino who I love because he is special and generous And Lillian who made me feel loved and cared for in a way that was reassuring. I didn’t realize I needed to be with these two but at the end of the night it was meant to be. In my opinion we three came from modest humble beginnings and by some measure we are successful. We all have loving family relationships and the laughter we share. Although it took a story of my other friend who farted at a party I took him too so he could flirt, did Fortino start to let the laughter take over. I shared about the pansy ass hand shake the car service guy gave me and the walk through sex shop in West Hollywood to notice “Organic Lube” and giant chocolate dildos and how I accidentally walked through photo shoot. It was in alley give me a break. I am in the words of some, a junkie of certain TV shows. Yes we went to Pump, the restaurant seen on the Bravo channel. It was beautifully lit and the music was just right, subtle French hipster music that if you listen to words closely you would start to cry. I was buzzed which helps the deep feelings coming bubbling up to the top and all I could feel was love for my two way way back friends. Fortino you are such a success and a picture of health. And to Lillian you made me feel like a birthday girl for the first time in a long time. I love you both and thank you for making this a remarkable Happy New Birthday.


1421779208531-542592867Played poker yesterday and looked up to see a couple of guys who I knew were gypsies.  Stereotypes aside I am fascinated because we all have evolved.  My folks do business with a guy and my mom said one day they chatted a little and Angelo said he  wanted more for his kids and family.  To read,  write and go to school was important to him and he actively  changed the course. Then there was gypsy Mike who was a beautiful sexy guy who love women. The story goes that he had a bunch of girlfriends and each of these lucky gals got gifts. He’d take something that belong to girlfriend number one and passed on to the next gal. One day gal one got her fur coat back. Few years back fishing out Long Beach my friends winnning jackpot fish went missing and yes  the  gypsies’ burlap bag was  right next to mine. So what’s a few missing fish.  Culturally in the past, the gift of the grift is in  their makeup just like other cultures that honor their elders or arrange marriages. I get it and I ain’t mad, in fact the two guys ended up  at the omaha table and we broke bread. A delicious club sandwich and fried rice. I enjoyed their company and they teased me for not being shy. It was a good time.

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A Movie Quote To Live By

” Love completely without complete understanding” . Do I wish to practice this or accept it. I also want to be a recipient. Like the boyfriend who couldn’t sleep anywhere but his own bed. Camping and trips up the coast were passed on. Or the story of the pot roast where each generation cut the ends off of each side before placing it in the pan and the the son-in-law asks why. ” well my mom did it” and in the end he finds out it started because the pan was too small. And to love my impetuous self without complete understanding. I had several business failures and patent that didn’t go anywhere and cost me monies I didn’t have. I have drank the Kool-aid thinking if success in one area will translate to another. I never took a business class or wrote out a business plan so it’s no surprise. On a deeper level to love those who are self destructive. Whenever they call, to listen and be supportive and not contribute any advice. The drinkers are not going to quit and I just hope to catch them when they are sober. My half brother works in post video editing…in porn. We hardly know each other and I am grateful he reached out to me when my bio father died. He gave me an opportunity to say goodbye. I am grateful to Norman Maclean and Robert Redford. A River Runs Through It.

Are You Happy?

During Winter months the household moving industry slows down like molasses in the refrigerator. Maybe I go to Texas or Arizona we won’t know. Minnesota was offered but it’s just too dangerous. So I’m waiting to leave camping out at my mom’s pad and recently I asked my mom ” Who do you or I know who is happy? Whatever your definition it’s enough to know what it is. So my list was short “I think doctor Tom is happy…” I think my mom is happy, my mom states her list and we agree it’s accurate. I was not on her list and I agreed to that too. I am three quarters happy and I am accepting this for now. I made changes to get to that Pharell place. I saw an old neighbor and he shared about his ex even after several years, is still complaining about her settlement. He said she is intolerable. I knew her personally and she was a good friend. He made a statement not a dig, not a scorn remark from an acrimonious divorce just “she’s intolerable”. At the poker table we started the table chat and the dealer said. ” I desire to be happy” what I got out from the discussions are the following. People are honest about themselves (refreshing) there is an opportunity to evaluate and decide if it’s something you desire and if not its “okay” too. Lastly the list I thought would be lengthy was short. Something to ponder