HARD ACHE

20180520_131254_film2He asks “You’re never gonna call me again huh?” I couldn’t bring myself to confirm but glossed over It as to say it was the painful truth. My friend said “you’re done fighting but you’re not done with him”. I put my head down which suddenly became heavy with grief. She was right and being hurt occupied a greater part of how I felt. With camps divided I know this too shall come to pass and as I let the sleeping tiger lie and refrain from saying anything to needlessly hurt another, I have moved on. I am using all the distractions I can muster to get over the hump and it’s coming. I had to ask myself what it will be like to literally see him with someone else. And then I quickly remember him saying more than once “You are not allowed to bring another guy here and F**K him in my bed.” I thought “would he do the same”?. Meanwhile I cozy up to friends and family well aware of who we both are. No winners just sadness as I begin a long goodbye to someone I had loved very much.

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A “What?” Festival.

It’s been a blessing to visit friends on assignment in Wisconsin. I had passed through this state and now I got to visit for a bit. Fox River runs north which I am told is unusual. Lake Michigan does freeze and all kinds of fun stuff take place on the lake. Live bands perform at festivals on the ice. Perch taste better caught from cold waters. Wisconsin’s drink is the old fashion. Best ordered “sour with whiskey and olives”. You can also have it sweet with either rum or Brandy. Gas is cheap. Lawrence liberal arts college tuition is 42k. Dutch influences in the neighborhood include tulips and gnomes. Planter boxes outside the window sills. Little chute in Appleton, gets its name from the Fox River which releases water this way. Motorcycle enthusiasts and bikers alike frequently roam the highways when the weather is especially nice. Milwaukee assembly factory for Harley-Davidson may be one of the reasons. No graffiti, stray dogs or trash noted during my drives in a big ole Jeep. “We’re going to the Testicle Fest.” 5 bucks and all you can eat with a side of ranch or buffalo sauce. A gentleman I chatted with brought his own mustard. When in Rome. Ah and then there’s the cheese which can be extra squeaky. Thank you Andrea and Joey. Zaijian.

BROKEN WRIST BRUISED EGO?

IT WAS AT LEAST 12 SEASONS SINCE I STRAPPED IN AND CARVED DOWN THE MOUNTAIN. I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE GETTING BACK ON A BIKE. AND ALTHOUGH I FELL OFF ONE OF THOSE TOO I DIDN’T FRACTURE MY WRIST.

MY SKI BUDDY EVEN WARNED ME…. BUT I OFTEN HAVE TO PROVE TO MYSELF I’M STILL BRAVE AND HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO FACE MY FEARS. NOW AS I’M OUT OF WORK AND TIME TO THINK I HAVE STOP THIS BEHAVIOR. I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF REGARDLESS. I WILL ADMIT I WILL MISS THE ADRENALINE SURGE AND ASK GOD TO FORGIVE ME.

Hike It Up

THE MOUNTAINS HAS A LIFT FOR BOTH YOUR SPIRIT AND BODY. RIDE UP AND HIKE DOWN OR DO THE WHOLE THING. BEAR FLATS ” NO BEARS PLEASE”. EASY TRAIL MIX FOR THE FAMILY. THE PATH IS WIDE AND NOT TREACHEROUS. ASKED THAT NEXT TIME I GET INVITED TO BRUNCH AND LISTEN TO LIVE BAND. JK. ZAIJIAN.

Care Free

I’VE TOLD A FEW PEOPLE “THERE’S A LOT OF POWER IN NOT CARING”. THINK ABOUT THE CONCEPT. I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME. I DONT CARE TO LISTEN TO YOU TALK ABOUT YOURSELF INCESSANTLY. I DONT CARE IF YOU DONT LIKE TO DANCE. I DONT CARE THAT YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW ME BETTER. I DON’T CARE ABOUT UNREQUITED LOVE BECAUSE ITS PAINFUL AND INJURIOUS TO MY SENSIBILITIES. ALAS NOT CARING HAS ITS LIMITATIONS. BUT I DON’T CARE. ZAIJIAN.

Hoppy Easter

The resurrection of Jesus. Opportunity to resurrect ideas, goals and relationships. But I need to do something different. To reset myself and truly appreciate at that I have and all that I am. As of late I have continue to pray for The Syrian people and for the severely mentally ill man I saw on Wilshire Blvd, who was nearly naked rifling in trash. His tattered and rip clothes representing his internal suffering. For my mother, who as a child, moved around a lot. A scared kid who had no say. A briar patch of sadness that I will hop out of. Zaijian.

Little Napa So..noma. I Petaluma

AN HOUR AND SOME CHANGE NORTH OF SAN FRANCISCO, YOU’LL FIND YOURSELF IN A STORYBOOK. NATURALLY I SAY TO MYSELF “SELF YOU NEED TO LIVE HERE”. NOT MOVE BUT LIVE HERE IN THE MOMENT. SPONTANEOUSLY YOU DEEP BREATHE AND NOTICE LITTLE BLACK BIRDS WITH CARDINAL RED RACING STRIPES HANGING ONTO REEDS AND THE VINES ON THE HILLS REMINDS YOU WHERE IT ALL BEGINS. DOWNTOWN SONOMA YOU CAN CUT THE SQUARE BY WALKING THROUGH THE PARK AND BEING ON THE OTHER SIDE IN 5 MINUTES. IT’S THIS FEELING YOU TAKE WITH YOU THAT I LOVE WHICH INCLUDE A DAILY JAUNT AT A NATURE PRESERVE WHERE THOSE BIRDS SAID HELLO TO MY SOUL. THANK YOU CYNTHIA AND PETALUMA.